1. Fedoras.


Via ign.com

Are you a gumshoe out of a Dashiell Hammett novel? No? Are you guest starring onMad Men? No? Then don’t wear a fedora.

2. Those diaper pants.

Those diaper pants.

Nicky Loh / Getty Images

See Justin Bieber? Even he can’t pull these pants off, and he’s what? Twelve? Your old ass has no chance with these so don’t even try.

3. Choker necklaces.

Choker necklaces.

Via ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com

Unless you are marooned on an island and you made that necklace to pass the time, then you have no business wearing it. Actually, that’s no excuse. Take it off right now.

4. Crazy-busy shoes.

Crazy-busy shoes.

Via theonlyjaiden.blogspot.com

Do those come in toddler size? Because that’s the only size they should come in. If your shoes have more than four colors and have multiple patterns then they get the boot. Pun intended.

5. Running shoes as everyday shoes.

Running shoes as everyday shoes.

Via lindspluslife.wordpress.com

Nothing says, “I’ve broken my New Year’s resolution to get in shape” more than wearing running shoes with jeans.

6. Capes.


Via a-gentlemans-row.com

Dracula called. He said, “Nah, you can have the cape. Even I know they look dumb.”

7. Dangly earrings.

Dangly earrings.

Via mmo-champion.com

“I should really take this off.” — George Michael, on his dangly earring.

8. Crocs.


Via houstoncriminallawjournal.com

Unless you are gardening or working in a kitchen these have no excuse to be anywhere near your feet. NO EXCUSE.

9. Overalls.


Via workin-men.tumblr.com

This guy can wear them because he is wearing them for a purpose, aka work. You are not this guy.

10. Mock turtlenecks.

Mock turtlenecks.

Fox / Via mofopolitics.com

For when your neck is not quite cold yet not quite hot. Also, for when you want to look like the long lost member of Color Me Badd.

11. Uggs.


Via easyloungin.com

Look, I’m sure these probably feel like walking in clouds as kittens and puppies dance around your feet, but that is still no reason to wear them.

12. Skull jewelry when you are not in fact a sorcerer.

Skull jewelry when you are not in fact a sorcerer.

Via zivpin.com

Or a scary biker dude, because in that case you do you, player.

13. Duster coat.

Duster coat.

Via seras-loves-master.deviantart.com

Is your last name Van Helsing? Are you wrasslin’ cattle? I didn’t think so.

14. A tie + vest + no shirt combo.

A tie + vest + no shirt combo.

Via metaltalk.net

It’s like Magic Mike, only without the magic. So your look is pretty much just “Mike.”

15. Free T-shirts from your bank.

Free T-shirts from your bank.

Via adinparadise.wordpress.com

Or from wherever. Although this dad just trolled me, so hats off, good sir.

16. Nut-hugging pants.

Nut-hugging pants.

Via awesomelyluvvie.com

I can see how much change you have in your pocket. Looks like 28 cents and a penis.

17. Fake tans.

Fake tans.

Via holytaco.com

OK, not an actual thing to wear, but also not an actual tan so we’re even.

18. Wrists full of bracelets.

Wrists full of bracelets.

Via becauseiamfabulous.com

I don’t even… This is called “arm parties”? ::: gets in rocket, leaves Earth :::

19. Flat-brimmed caps.

Flat-brimmed caps.

Via thehackersparadise.com

With the exception being if you are a hip-hop legend — i.e., the Wu-Tang Clan gets a pass. Not that they needed one, though.

20. Really, anything Johnny Depp is wearing nowadays.

Really, anything Johnny Depp is wearing nowadays.

Kevork Djansezian / Getty Images for KCA

He’s like a walking Don’t. What happened, Johnny?